I Have A Confession...

I was a brat tonight.

A "3-year-old throwing a tantrum on the ground because I didn't get the toy I wanted" kind of brat.

Just for the record, I wasn't actually on the ground.

I threw the very adult tantrum of bad attitude, mumbling under my breath and eye rolling.

Yep.

A classy tantrum.

Alright, so now that I've made my confession, let me back up for a minute.

Last week, a dear friend invited me to a women's event sponsored by a local ministry organization.  

Dinner, door prizes, music, inspirational speaker.

Time with other adults.

The opportunity to put on make-up & real clothes.

And eat a meal without cutting up anyone's food.

Score.

Needless to say, I said yes.

I may have actually screamed it into the phone while jump dancing around my house, but that's really here nor there...

I was looking forward to tonight all week.

And then tonight got here.

Here's where the tantrum part begins...

My hair wouldn't cooperate.

The clothes I wanted to wear were dirty and the ones I had hanging in my closet didn't seem to fit right. 

Both my kids were whining.  

One because she didn't want me to leave and the other because he was tired, and hungry

...and 1 year old.

And I was leaving my house in a total disaster.  All I could think about was having to deal with said disaster when I got home. 

I was frustrated and tired and stressed out.

I left for my night out wearing make-up and real clothes.

And tears.

I was going to go out, 

but I was not going to be happy about it.

When I arrived at my destination, I met up with my group and we headed inside to find our table.

That's when I saw it 

Standing in front of me, about 10 feet tall, were 3 brightly lit letters.

At that moment, 

I made the decision to to turn around & head home.

Thankfully, before I could locate my keys, the "let's not act like a 3 year old" part of my brain finally kicked in and convinced me to stay.  

Thank you, grown up part of my brain, for finally showing up... 

I walked with my friends back out to the lobby to check out everything on display 

and enjoy a piece or two or 25 of candy from the self-serve candy bar.

That's right, a candy bar!!

Why is this not available...well, everywhere?!?

After a bit, we headed back to our seats.

Dinner was served, door prizes were awarded.

My mood begin to improve.

Slightly.

And then the music & message part of the evening begin.

I could never do this part of the evening justice by trying to summarize it or tell you what was shared.

All, I can say this...

The theme for the nights' events was "Joy For The Journey"

and
I spent the majority of the music & message nearly biting holes in my cheeks to keep from busting out into the "ugly cry".

God had clearly brought me to this place, at this time.

He knew that I (desperately) needed to hear what was being shared.

Because I have struggled with finding my joy.

In recent months, I have allowed my circumstances to overtake me and I have spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed, ineffective & alone.

I have allowed myself to look at the women & families around me and tell myself that they have it all together.  These moms are making it all work.  Their houses are in order and their kids' outfits are matching and their dinner is cooked and they never get angry or frustrated or impatient with their children.  They always have time to participate in the fun activities they have planned for their families yet their laundry is washed and folded and their pantry is stocked with healthly food. 

They obviously have everything they could ever want and their life is complete and nearly perfect.

And then there's me.

 My house is a disaster 90% of the time and my kids wear what's clean, jackpot if it matches.  Very often dinner involves a can opener or a microwave or the car of a delivery driver and my laundry is almost always piled up.  A creative art project in my house means I actually got out the markers & paper from the top shelf and I can either participate in family activities OR get the laundry done, never both.
 And sometimes I get frustrated.
And I raise my voice.
And have to count to 10 behind the (locked) bathroom door.

And I feel like I'm the only mom out there like this.

And I'm failing.

Joy?

What joy?

How am I to supposed to find joy in this circumstance?

Those were exactly the thoughts that were going through my mind as I walked out of my house this evening, teary eyed & frustrated.

And then...

Even when our circumstances tell us differently,

there is joy.

Do I get frustrated when my children are whiny, or smart-mouthed or seem to have lost the ability to understand the words that come out of my mouth?

Yes.

But I have children.
And they are amazing.

And (most of the time) they want me around.

JOY.

Do I get irritated when my husband leaves dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor?

Yes.

But I have a husband.

And he loves me.

And treats me like a princess.

JOY.

Do I say things like, "Our house is nice, but it would be even nicer if it had....."?

Yes.

But I have a house.

And it is temperature controlled.

And there is food in the pantry.

JOY.

Does my Type A personality want to throw a little mini-fit when the future plans we had for our family have to change direction due to circumstances I can't control?

Yes.

But I have a family.

 And we are together.

And healthy.

And (usually) happy.

JOY.

At times, my circumstances fail me

and tell me there is no joy.

But tonight,

 I was reminded of something I've always known but have struggled to maintain.

There is a joy beyond my circumstances.

I was so encouraged by the women I listened to tonight.

I was reminded that I am not alone in my struggles.  

I may see a picture of perfection when I look at the women standing next to me but, most likely, she's struggling with something too.

Her joy is probably being tested just like mine.

So tonight, I am praying that when everything in my circumstance tells me there is no joy left,

I will remember I am not alone and will strive to find my joy in the one place it is guaranteed.

Jesus.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18